Holden Caulfield's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Holden Caulfield [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ calendar | deadjournal calendar ]

muh-effers [07 Mar 2008|12:44pm] [ music | Progressive.com commercial "its that simple" ] There is nothing more irritating than not being able to express the feelings you are experiencing at any given moment. Computers make this especially difficult, at least, for writers. More people also, I would imagine. You can’t simply make a typo on a computer and not realize how simple it is to go back and correct it. You know it is no difficult task to go back one damned keystroke at a time and delete the onerous eyesore and continue with the line of thought you were having originally, if just ten feet further back than you had been. All of this may only be of use to writers. The word writers seems to be out of syntax here. Most words seem out of syntax. In fact, syntax and context seem to constantly be taken out of the context and syntactical purpose they are generally demanded to be understood through. However, it is the writer who imbibes the nectar of pomp and dictates what is context and what is syntax, at least, that is what the dictionary would have you believe of writers. A pomp-imbiber if I ever saw one, the dictionary knows no bounds when it comes to spiking the pomp bowl and getting high on its own grandiosity. There is little one can do about this short of changing the world. So there it is, the dictionary versus the world. The dictionary almost always wins, because its definition of winning has no context of being alive or surviving. In fact, most of the time, so drunk on its own complex, it has the very world convinced it could care less whether it wins or not, after all, it’s just a dictionary. And as we look under the definition of dictionary, there is no pride there… there is no creativity, or identity. There is simply a cold understanding of what the dictionary believes itself to be in its own words. This is terrible. It would be like going to Suicide and asking Suicide how many friends it has in its contact list on its cellphones. He might show you his friends but he never calls them. Dictionary much the same except the dictionary has no friends. The dictionary is the child’s plaything, and the adult’s abused pet. It is taken out on Sundays to make the reader sound smarter, but still not truly understand the meaning behind the word sound, let alone smart. The world remains a cold and ineffectual place because of the cold and ineffectual place we have mantled for dictionaries in our heart. It is a Jesusless Bible. It is a tombstoneless graveyard. It is an ongoing war that too well understands the true meaning of war. What can we do but live for the dictionary. Live for it and hope against it. Hope for the day where the definition of the word dictionary reads as such: Dictionary- 1. Come on man, really? 2. Get real 3. I AM 2 comments|post comment

the beat goes on [24 Feb 2008|07:27pm] [ mood | nerdy ] [ music | none ] kinda dumb today. dont know why. lafayette will be so nice. its all i can think about. which is good. usually i can only think about getting fucked up. i figured out that after bills i make about 500$/month. I want to have 2250$ when i leave for lafayette. that will pay for everything and maybe like 720 to fuck around with over the term of my lease. figuring in for missing a paycheck during the transition, then a bad paycheck when i finally get one. 2250 should set everything straight. the first rent, the security deposit, one single party day before work starts... everything. :) once work starts it's going to be rough for a while though. i figure with bills and rent and groceries i will usually break even. thus the 720 is important and i can't just take a torch to it and smoke it or something. have quit smoking... tis good. have quit spending... tis good. can't believe how much money i spend on things that are bullshit in coffee clothing. coffee isn't all that's to blame of course, but it is the one thing that is still tugging at me like 'hey im only 3$ CMON!! CMON DRINK ME!!!" but i know if i do i won't stop and i can't take talking to my mom anymore. bitchy is batty. BATTY. then gas too, and the gas on the first trip out there... 2250+720=3000/500=6 months but 3000-the 350 in my account-my next paycheck-(tax refund+stimulus package)=1200/500=2.5 months so march...april...mayish? fuuuuucckkkk yes. ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffukyes. seriosly all i can think about. 1 comment|post comment

drinking [15 Feb 2008|02:10am] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | mom snoring and the low drone of valentine's day anger ] this should span all sorts of emotions. hmm... drinking what comes to mind when i think of drinking... too much thinking... yup... back to drinking... no, fuck drinking, sleep... awesome post comment

admitting you have a problem is the first step [13 Feb 2008|03:08am] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | Method Man - N2Gether Now (feat Limp Bizkit) ] Hello, my name's Bryan. I have made about 2- to 3- my--ace blogs but no more. It has been three to four years since my last deadjournal post. My pennance is to live. So be it. post comment

any opinions? [13 Nov 2004|04:32am] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Powerpuff Girls ] an excerpt from We All Niggers i have yet to work out the whys and such but for the sake of argument Sam is a black man who has been pressured into joining the KKK because of his unusually high social position despite his race (set in the 50s or 60s probably) Sean is the KKKs 13 year old victim and Brad is his white friend. enjoy hopefully. It was hot under the white cotton robe. Sam’s eyes were wide with the realization of what he was about to do. With the gun in hand and the dozen brethren surrounding the silent boy, Sam and the boy looked at each other. He had far too old of eyes for such a small frame. Sam wanted the Nubian soldier to scream out, to cause a disturbance and excuse him from this entire ordeal. But the boy just stared with those omniscient, dark eyes. Not a tear, not a whimper, but only the slight vibration of his fists clenched was the only sign of emotion Sean would offer them, because he knew they wanted a show. Taylor growing impatient began to step forward. He slapped Sean’s proud face. As that white man’s rough skin struck the innocent young man, Sam forgot who he was, forgot the hot robe, forgot the dozen men, his own estate, all he could hear was a primal drum pounding in his heart. A compelling voice in his soul telling him in a forgotten language what he needed to do. As Taylor raised his hand above Sean’s watering eyes again, nobody noticed Sam raise the gun to Taylor’s chest. No one else heard the archaic voice clearly explaining, reassuring him of his mission. No one saw Brad panting through the broken circle of ghostly robes jumping into Taylor to protect his friend. Everyone heard the gunshot. The tight grip of anomie only held them momentarily as the gangsters heard doors opening and dog’s barking followed by people with shotguns. Sam just stood there eyes only growing wider with realization of what he had already done. Dropping to his knees balancing himself with his shaking hands on the ground, he bent his head soiling his hood's tip on the dirty street. It fell off. The mob approaching like death with feet, he made eye-contact with Sean who had the same calloused look on his face, the teary water sucked back. “You fucking nigger,” was all he said as he held his dying friend. Then a man comes out from behind a bush and says the KKK may have white robes but they can't save you much on car insurance. The End. 1 comment|post comment

i have the illusion of thought therefore i think i am [24 Oct 2004|02:53am] [ mood | frustrated ] everyday just goes deeper and deeper into my schizaphrenia. its not just about wanting attention... i keep making the re-analyzing the situation thinking im helping myself but not really knowing which direction im going in. i stopped my meds about 5 months probably not the best idea, but i feel so alive again, but i don't know if its just the disease telling me so. but to give an example of the grandiose scheme i think is happening inside my cerebral cortex ill explain, i'd appreciate any input also. i can't do this on my own, i've been trying that for too long... so i was adopted and i think that started an abandonment issue that i've always pretty much kept to myself. allthrough growing up i'd always get so jealous whenever my friends made other friends, extremely possessive. so i wound up walking around the playground a lot talking to myself thinking mainly about how i could help other people so they would like me. predicting what they would so and preparing my comeback. which equals a lot of talking to myself, and minimal interaction with other people. over time i eventually made friends usually clinging to one, first david then he moved to lafayette, then rachad. me and rachad got along perfectly, but i never really noticed how little we talked and just assumed we felt comfortable around each other. but i remember creating conversations in my head to try and think of something to talk about. but too nervous he wouldnt like what i had to say, i kept most things to myself. i also spent HOURS and HOURS of watching tv but not actually paying attention. i can remember it all of a sudden being night when i thought it was hours earlier. as i became older i would walk around my block and debate myself on things from abortion, to equality, eternity, death, light and dark... the result was becoming very into my own thoughts and creating this person i was completely comfortable with... myself. now this in itself was no problem, cuz i never really noticed a rift between myself and my 'other personality.' but that was when i had rachad and thought i finally found someone who i could trust not to leave me. but i left him for melissa. and lately the voice in my head has been arguing with me... disagreeing and trying to scare me. i think its because he's worried i'm going to stop talking to him to be with melissa like i left rachad to come here to colorado. but on the other hand.. on the 'crazier' side of things. maybe im the voice and he's who's real and im afraid he's going to leave me and im just a hallucination. see how it just sounds like rambling? this whole argument is going on in my head constantly... i just want someone i can talk to and trust without having to worry if im bothering them and not be jealous of. i just feel so pressured to keep everything inside because im afraid of crazifying other people. and the worst feeling in the world is knowing noone is going to read this. it doesnt matter if im real or not 2 comments|post comment

good times, man [21 Sep 2004|01:44pm] [ mood | pleased ] [ music | This Little Light of Mine ] plus i want a tattoo of mario and luigi fighting scorpion and subzero, rock me http://us.f3.yahoofs.com/msgr/the_happy_poet/.tmp/IMGA0419.JPG?msQ2OUBBElMWVJDf http://us.f3.yahoofs.com/msgr/the_happy_poet/.tmp/IMGA0421.JPG?msACPUBBviAuGjb8 post comment

rights [04 Sep 2004|08:51am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | juno reactor- pistolero ] everyone has the right to exist and autonomy. Meaning everyone has the right to do to their body as they see fit, because there is no actual right or wrong, only gray and perspective. from everyone's point of view, they have a right and wrong, but what the judgement is, what we all should be attaining, reaching for is the gray. is killing bad yes, because it takes away a person's right to exist. but, is killing good? yes, because we can learn from and become stronger through it. so the gray, the actual, is that through other's deaths we can learn to accept the evil that is in the world and be aware of it. where it gets harder is abortion. the reason why abortion is such a mixed, hard issue, is because we have this concept ingrained into our head that abortion is somehow connected to women's rights. if a women wanted to get a tattoo inside her vagina, or self mutilate herself internally, i have no problem with that. because you have the right to do to your body what you want, that is your womanly right. but when you bring in another human being's right to exist, you don't have the right to take it away. however there has to be a good, a bad, and the evaluation of the two, the gray. so is abortion bad? yes because it takes away the right of the baby to exist. is abortion good? yes, but we can't lie to ourselves. the actual reason abortion is legal is because nobody wants to be stuck with an unwanted baby. it has nothing to do with women's rights. i think what inhibits the progress of the abortion issue is the 25% that are for it think the 25% that are against it are bad people and vise-versa. and the other 50% are stuck for both sides. when in fact noone is discussing the facts because of the distraction of women's rights. so what is the gray of abortion? the mix of good and bad that we should be going for? well what the gray is is something both sides can agree with. and what makes this world so beautiful is also what makes this world so scary is that we can never attain the gray because its not a perfect world. and what would a 'perfect' world be? robots. artless, unimaginative, hopeless, loveless, emotionless, very gray robots. so what we need the gray for is to judge how we live our own lives. which is why the gray of abortion is so hard to define, because both sides are so stubborn, myself included. but i'd have to say to learn the gray of abortion, and really the gray of everything, is to look at perspectives... we are so tiny compared to the universe and so enormous compared to quirks and atoms. all we have is each other and we need to protect each other, but at the same time realize murder has to happen, but it doesn't have to be accepted. so look at smaller towns where murder is scarce. why so? how so? less complexities, a simpler life. an acceptance of mediocrity. language, good? yes because it helps us advance. bad? of course, because it evolved us to this point and gave us today's problems. but its worth it. genocide, rape, suicide, torture, pain, even abortion. problems that affect us all, that we all live in fear of experiencing, just to go through living in a colorful, ungray world. a world where we're free to make mistakes and impact others. god, i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. i haven't been to sleep since 6 yesterday morning and have work tonight. i think im going stir-crazy. incidentally i haven't taken my medication in like 3 weeks and i feel fucken great. 1 comment|post comment

what do we really want [04 Sep 2004|01:59am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | not tonight ] i think the main thing i want is to not to be alone, but not because im uncomfortable with myself. i can keep myself entertained for hours but... there's something special about being with another person. not just to prevent loneliness because that's a selfish reason for wanting company but knowing that your making someone else happy by just being there is a really comforting feeling. we just got the internet finally a few days ago, and i didn't realize how much i missed everyone. it feels great to be able to talk to my friends again, and know that i really have friends. melissa went out of town yesterday, so im pretty much on my own. and i can only take so much video games and wandering around my house. the only game i really have is hot shots golf, and golf games get lame after a while. work keeps me busy though. i haven't taken my medication in weeks and really feel great. i met one of my neighbors who lives upstairs from me. he's 38 but has all this random shit and is a handyman, fucken cool guy, i was naming random tools and he had everything. he has face plates to lightswitches and all kinds of computer plugs, and disks. i think my downfall when it comes to friendship is i want to completely know all my friends and keep up with them entirely. i hate drifting apart and i love 'falling in love' with friends. im enamored with everyone i know, and it's great but i think kind of creepy. then there's melissa who is so irrevocably irreplacable its ridiculous. my book is coming along slowly. i have writer's block but i think its all the tv. mainly invader zim and aqua teen hunger force dvds. other tv sucks. the only channel i even watch is nicktoons. :) ive spent my life on nickelodeon cartoons. does anyone remember when nickelodeon made that time capsule and they're suppose to open it in 50 years. dude nickelodeon will not be around in 50 years. post comment

more homesick than anticipated [08 Jun 2004|01:25pm] [ mood | sweaty ] [ music | library, gwah ] im so bored at home. im just thankful im finally in colorado. im in the library and don't think people appreciate the constant typing so im gonna make this quick. actually i guess that's all... the job search is starting to pick up finally and i've been making decent progress in crystal chronicles with aaallllll my spare time. going to go bike back home now and be bored some more. melissa doesn't get home til 4 or 5. it blows. hopefully well get internet soon so i can get back on AIM and say hi to some people. 3 comments|post comment

i wish i knew the rules [23 May 2004|06:58pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Sublime- Same in the End ] everyone else seems to be so much better at everything. all i can do right is bitch about myself, and im sick of it. and i wanna turn it all around, and i wanna just stop typing this post. but i don't know why i can't. i think i've thrived on pity for too long. i just wanna be able to have a conversation with someone without feeling like im not doing it right. without starting to stutter and find myself at a loss of words. i want to fight someone and i want to promote peace. i just want interaction with other people. i'm so sick of being by myself, stuck in my own little head. such is the life of the english major i suppose. stuck in a world where fantasy is holding the glue. i think books and my imagination have set the standards too high and i can't just enjoy things anymore. i've either got to analyze it or be cynical about it. i want to be appreciated, i want to think one day i'll be mourned. i feel so insignificant, and one person's attention means so much to me. i want more self-confidence. i want to stop wanting and to just do it. i used to think i had a capacity of love for everyone and that it was my greatest feature. I only recently realized nobody else was asking for it. 2 comments|post comment

fucken car [23 May 2004|06:21pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | Sublime- Pawn Shop ] went to the car radio place today and they said they couldn't help fix my radio, which blows. im leaving this city for good on friday but there's a rave on saturday i wanna go to... what to do? everyone i wanna talk to has an away message up. i rode my bike today for the first time in a long ass time and im completely out of shape. i drove to UNO and around a little and am sweating.. but it is close to 90 so whatever. i guess i should take a shower now. i haven't put anything together for the road trip or for moving out. im going to wind up squeezing it all into like 3 days. latr peoples, much love for Ja post comment

[15 May 2004|06:38pm] [ mood | calm ] ive been reading choke by chuck palanhiuk (guy who wrote fight club), good stuff. i think my problem is i anticipate too much, like a haywire ESP. so it keeps me from social situations, because i figure i already know what's going to happen and how it's going to go. i should change. 9 comments|post comment

werk blows [07 May 2004|01:34pm] [ mood | bored ] my job got robber a while ago and so now they've got me locked up in this cage and i hate it. i used to be able to pace around to make the time pass. now i've got the timecard clock behind me and it ticks every minute like a reminder or something. i can't wait for two weeks to pass and ill never have to spend more than 10 minutes in a gas station ever again. post comment

tired all the time [01 May 2004|09:14pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Smashing Pumpkins- Daydream ( i need some new mp3s) ] hung out with jason and mike yesterday, good times. we t alked about music and i realized how much i have no idea about. talked about how to try and be better people. talked to my sister today, good times all around. she's gonna be the only family member i miss but she lives in baton rouge anyway so pwah. someone should volunteer to come see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind with me cuz alex and i have seen it once already and it... was awesome. pretty sure i've posted that before. i wanna put stuff i write up here but i don't know how to put those little links... i need to learn how. peace out motherfuckers post comment

son of my gun [28 Apr 2004|12:34am] [ mood | tired ] ehh work is so boring. there's this old security guard who comes in there throughout the day. he tells me today "we lead sad lives." caught me off guard and i just kinda nodded. slowed down my pace for the rest of the day though. i've been in a pretty good mood though. i've been reading my universe book. i dunno why it fascinates me so much. its this physics for the masses book. relativity put in layman's terms. i think its great. i had this dream last night that this goddess was putting strips of bacon on my eyes and making me see heaven. then my mom came home and i had to hide in the bathroom and couldn't decide whether to take the bacon off or leave it on and say fuck it. so i woke up. i'm getting tired so much earlier than i used to. midnight and im ready to sleep... what's going on? post comment

[28 Apr 2004|12:29am] [ mood | copycat ] Post a memory of me in the comments. Doesn't have to be the first memory of us meeting, just the first event that comes to your mind when you think about me. It can be anything you want. Then post this in your journal and see what people remember of you. 5 comments|post comment

[27 Apr 2004|11:54pm] [ mood | geeky ] [ music | phone ringing ] I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions. No more, no less. Ask me anything you want. And I'll answer. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. 7 comments|post comment

squoosh [24 Apr 2004|10:42pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | lethal weapon 2 on tv ] got drunk last night... woah yeah... got drunk last night... ay ay ay ay ay ay :) that's my drunken song. i had work tonight and have it again tomorrow morning... no good i said i didn't like capitalism because i thought it promoted a one-upmanship in a race to become the best that can never be won. but annie disagreed and said she thought capitalism encouraged cooperation. we;ll see... 2 comments|post comment

these nights are the hardest [21 Apr 2004|12:34am] [ mood | blank ] when i can't see straight. when i know its what i'm going to be dreaming of. the longest nights, followed by endless days. when i'm one drink away from starting to become an alcoholic. when every move i make is a move against me. when the elastic box around the voices slowly starts to unwind. when i don't know what to do, but can't stop trying to figure it out anyway. post comment

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